A for Apps

Dating apps should be fun. But cyber stalking, unwanted dick pics and sharing without consent happen way too often. So, if they haven’t asked you to do it: don’t do it.

B for Banter

Jokes, bants, just messing about – whatever you call it, laughing about rape and sexual assault just makes rape seem acceptable. It isn’t. Don’t let the rapist off the hook with your banter.

C for Choices

We’re all different. And we all like to make our own choices about what we like and don’t like. If you choose not to do something or you change your mind – that’s okay.

Consent: it’s your choice.

D for Drunk

Whether they’re drunk, high, stoned or all three, consent still matters. Having sex with someone who is so intoxicated they have lost capacity means they can’t consent. Sex without consent is rape.

E for Erection

Erections happen for lots of different reasons and they are not a sign of consent or of wanting sex.

Just because someone has an erection doesn’t mean you are under any obligation to have sex with them. The boner doesn’t get to decide. You do.

F for Filming

You might say yes to filming but no to sharing. You might say no to filming but yes to photos. You might say yes or no to all of it. You might change your mind. All of this is okay.

It is not okay to film, photograph, screenshot or share without permission. It is never okay to threaten or blackmail so-called ‘revenge porn’. Consent still matters.

G for Gender

Consent applies to all genders and all relationships, however you identify. There isn’t a dominant gender when it comes to consent or sex.

We all have the right to choose what happens to our body. Consent is everyone’s responsibility.

H for Happy

Both you and your partner should be happy with what you are doing.

Whether it’s a one-time thing or a life-long love, it’s important that both of you find sex pleasurable and both of you enjoy what is happening. How do you know? Ask

I for Intersectionality

Some people face additional barriers because of inequalities due to race, gender, income, sexual orientation, ability, age, and other aspects of identity.

Be aware of the extra difficulties people might be facing and believe them when they talk about their experience of abuse, rape or assault.

J for Judgement

When someone’s car is stolen, we don’t blame the car owner. When someone’s house is broken into, we don’t ask why they had gone out. When someone mugs a pensioner, we don’t ask what the pensioner was wearing.

Yet when someone is sexually assaulted, the first thing many people do is start to blame the victim. Let’s be clear: alcohol, walking alone and clothing don’t cause rape. A rapist chooses to rape. They are responsible.

K for Kiss

A kiss is just that – a kiss. It is not a contract and does not mean you have to do anything else. You are free to give and withdraw consent at any time, even if you have started kissing or touching someone.

L for Law

Consent isn’t just there to make you feel good – it’s a legal requirement.

Take a moment to pause and think about what you are doing – making sure you have consent doesn’t just protect your partner, it protects you from criminal consequences. The law is there to safeguard everybody.

M for Marriage

Saying ‘I do’ is not the same as saying ‘I no longer have any choice over my body’. Being married to someone does not entitle you to anything. You still need to check in, listen, and look for that enthusiastic ‘Yes!’ Consent applies whether you are married or not.

N for No

No is a powerful word. It means stop – immediately.

However, if the other person feels frightened, intoxicated or intimidated it can be hard for them to say ‘No’ or ‘Stop’. Silence, not responding and uncertainty can also mean ‘No’. This is why consent isn’t just about listening for a ‘No’, it’s about looking for an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’

O for Orgasm

Porn and popular culture all suggest that heterosexual sex climaxes when a man ejaculates. In reality, both people’s pleasure is equally important and not all sex needs to lead to orgasm.

Asking the other person to show you what they like can be a good starting point. Communication and consent are at the heart of exciting, enjoyable sex.

P for Photos

Sharing intimate images can be a fun and sexy way to stay connected when you can’t be together. It can also be devastating when these images and videos are shared without consent.

It is not okay to film, photograph, screenshot or share without permission. It is never okay to threaten or blackmail so-called ‘revenge porn’. Consent still matters.

Q for Questions

Asking questions is the best way to be sure you have consent and to be sure everyone is enjoying themselves. If in doubt – ask. Talking is sexy.

R for Recovery

It can take a long time to recover from rape, abuse and sexual assault, and recovery looks different for everyone.

If you are with someone who has experienced sexual violence there are lots of ways you can help them feel comfortable. Believe them. Ask them if it is okay to touch them there. Encourage them with their choices. Check that you have consent.

S for Stealthing

When someone removes a condom during sex without you knowing they are changing the activity to one you haven’t consented to. Stealthing is rape.

T for Tinted Glasses

When we get together with someone most of us see them through rose tinted glasses for a while. This can make it difficult to acknowledge to ourselves if some things aren’t right.

If you’re with someone who puts pressure on you to do things in bed, makes you feel guilty if you don’t want to, or prioritises their own pleasure over your own, these can all be warning signs that the relationship is not caring and consensual.

U for Ultimatum

Ultimatums, pressure, guilt, coercion – they all negate consent.

If someone has to be bullied, tricked or manipulated into doing something sexual they have not consented and you are breaking the law.

V for Vulva

Do you know the difference between a vulva and a vagina? Using the correct terminology for body parts empowers us to confidently discuss our needs, our health and our desires.

W for Who?

It’s easy to meet lots of different people online. It’s harder to check that they are who they say are. Who is really on the other side of your screen?

Too many people pretend to be someone they’re not to trick you into sharing information, photos or details about where you live. You can’t fully consent if you don’t know the truth about someone – question everything.

X for XXX

There are lots of different kinds of porn available. Don’t pressure someone to try something just because you have seen it in porn. When you see something being enjoyed in porn remember the people are actors and it doesn’t mean your partner(s) will enjoy it – always check!

Y for ‘Yes’

If it isn’t a ‘Hell Yes!’ then it’s a no.

Consent is all about listening for an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’ and body language that supports this. If in doubt, ask.

Z for Zero Tolerance

Nottinghamshire stands together with a zero tolerance of sexual violence.

The Consent Coalition is a group of organisations jointly working to:

• raise awareness of the importance of consent
• banish myths about rape and sexual violence
• encourage survivors and victims to access support and report any sexual violence